When Penguins Attack
by Red Witch
Summary: When a nosy reporter tries to do an expose on GI Joe, Shipwreck comes up with a plan to save the day.


**I don't own any GI Joe characters. Just more insane silliness folks. I just felt like torturing Hector Rameriez, you know, that obnoxious news guy! Well who better than Shipwreck to teach him a lesson? **

**When Penguins Attack**

"General Hawk we have a problem," Duke walked into Hawk's office with Alpine and Shipwreck. 

"So what else is new?" Hawk sighed. "What is it this time?"

"You know that TV reporter from that show Twenty Questions?" Shipwreck asked.

"Hector Rameriez? How could I forget?" Hawk groaned. 

"Well somehow he found out that we have penguins on this base and he wants to do a story on them," Shipwreck told him.

"Translation: He wants to do a hatchet job on us in order to further his career," Duke said. 

"Why in heaven's name did I let Iceberg convince me to keep those stupid birds on base?" Hawk groaned.

"Don't worry," Shipwreck waved. "I have a plan."

"You have a plan?" Duke sighed. "Now I'm worried."

"Actually its Polly's plan," Shipwreck said. 

"Your pet parrot came up with an idea?" Hawk asked. "And you're going to listen to him?"

"Now I'm really worried," Duke groaned.

"Don't worry Duke," Alpine said. "Out of the two of them Polly is the smarter one."

"Ha ha," Shipwreck said sarcastically. "Listen, here's what we are gonna do." 

************************************************************************

"Boss I still think that this is a wild goose chase," Rameriez's cameraman Tom told him as they entered a small office. "I mean I know the Joes are a little weird but penguins? Come on!"

"I got this information from a very reliable news source," Rameriez said as he preened himself.

"That's what you said the last time," Tom told him. "You know, that Arnold guy who turned out to be the Baroness?"

"Hey I got a great story out of that! It got me several awards and an Emmy! And as I recall you ended up getting a few little awards as well for your camerawork as well."

"Cameraman of the Year is hardly a little award!" Tom huffed. "Okay, okay I get your point. I guess it won't hurt to check it out. Maybe I can get some new footage of the latest planes or something. I'll go get another tape from the truck."

"That's the spirit," Rameriez nodded as Tom left. Then Shipwreck entered. "Shipwreck! It's good to see you again!" 

"Likewise," Shipwreck grinned. "Still trying to prove Cobra's imaginary?" 

"No of course not," Rameriez shook his head. "Just a routine story investigating government waste. Nothing personal but a good reporter has to be thorough." 

"Don't worry I understand," Shipwreck grinned. "Hey are you okay? You sound a little hoarse?"

"I do?"

"Yeah your throat sounds a little scratchy." 

"Really?" Rameriez started to feel panicky. He tested out his voice. "Me, me, me. This is Hector Rameriez…"

"That doesn't sound good," Shipwreck said sympathetically, playing on the newsman's vanity like a master violinist. "You know it doesn't sound as booming as your voice usually does." 

"It doesn't? Oh no you're right! What do I do? How did this happen? I knew that gofer put something in my coffee yesterday! I specifically asked for a no fat latte with skim milk! He must have put whole milk or something!" 

"Maybe he spit in it?" Shipwreck suggested.

"I wouldn't put it past him!" Rameriez wailed. "Now that I think about it that pimply faced geek did look like he was getting some kind of cold! Oh that kid is so fired when I get back…" 

"Here," Shipwreck poured something from a flask. "Have a drink." 

"No I can't," He declined. "It's not good for me."

"Don't worry it'll help your throat."

"I'm not supposed to drink any alcoholic beverages," Rameriez declined. 

"Oh no," Shipwreck handed him the drink. "This is made with all natural ingredients. Don't worry about it. I got this recipe from my uncle who knew Walter Cronkite himself. " 

"Really?" Rameriez blinked. "Well if Walter Cronkite drinks it I suppose it can't do any real harm." He took a drink and gasped.

"Yeah it's got a bit of a kick to it doesn't it?" Shipwreck asked. "Want some more?"

"Well…my throat does feel a little better, maybe just another sip," Rameriez gulped. "Boy this stuff is tasty."

"You know your throat is sounding even better," Shipwreck commented. "I think that stuff is working already."

"Yeah I can really feel it," Rameriez nodded. "Maybe just a few more sips."

Ten minutes and a few dozen 'sips' later Rameriez staggered out the door with Shipwreck supporting him. "Boy do I feel great!" Rameriez hiccuped. 

"Yeah I think it's time for your interview," Shipwreck helped him into the next room. "Now why don't you wait in this office? Oh but whatever you do, don't open that door over there. Lots of top secret stuff. You got me?" 

"Oh okay," Rameriez nodded. As soon as Shipwreck left he shrugged and opened the door. "Yeah right. WHAT THE…?" 

Inside the room were a dozen penguins. At the desk was Polly wearing a general's hat, sunglasses and in his beak was a tiny pipe. "What is this?" Rameriez gasped. 

"Awk! I'm Polly! And this is my army of killer penguins!" Polly cackled. "Together we will rule the world! Attack!" 

The penguins swarmed right at Rameriez. "AAAAAAAAHHH!" Rameriez screamed as they started to peck at his feet. 

"Get him my loyal minions!" Polly squawked. "Peck out his brain so we can eat it!" 

"NOOOOOOO!" Rameriez ran to the door with Polly and the penguins chasing after him. 

"We're gonna get you!" Polly shouted. 

"NO! HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" The terrified news reporter ran for his life down the hallway. He passed Sci Fi, Low Light and Dial Tone in the halls who watched the chaos with bemused interest. 

"Now that's something you don't see everyday," Sci Fi said casually. 

"Uh should we do something?" Dial Tone asked.

"Yeah get a camera!" Low Light told him. 

"You can't get away from me!" Polly cackled. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rameriez screamed. 

Meanwhile Shipwreck was escorting Tom the cameraman around. "I don't know where he could have gotten to," Shipwreck said in his most innocent voice. "I left him right there in the room." 

"I just hope he hasn't gone on another bender," Tom grumbled. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Rameriez ran past them.

"Oh goody," Tom sighed. 

"I wonder what got into him?" Shipwreck asked innocently. He did a quick look around and inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. Iceberg and Alpine had done their part and rounded up the penguins already. 

They went up to Rameriez who was climbing up on a table screaming. "Penguins! Penguins!" 

"Where?" Tom looked around. "I don't see any."

"They were right there a few minutes ago!" Rameriez shouted as he climbed down.

"Pal we don't have any birds on the base," Shipwreck said.

"Then how do you explain that!" Rameriez screamed as Polly flew in (minus the General Patton getup of course.)

"It's just my parrot," Shipwreck shrugged as Polly landed on his shoulder. 

"He's plotting to take over the world!" Rameriez screamed. Tom and Shipwreck looked at him. "Well he is! I heard him! Tell them! Tell them your plans of world domination!" 

"Awk, pretty birdie," Polly cooed innocently.

"Just how much did you have to drink buddy?" Shipwreck grinned. 

"I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING!" Rameriez shouted.

"You're breath indicates otherwise," Shipwreck waved a hand in front of his face.

"Hey what I drank was natural…" Rameriez snapped. 

"Yeah rum is real natural," Shipwreck snickered. 

"Awk! Pretty birdie," Polly flew over to Rameriez and landed on his head." 

"GET IT AWAY!" Rameriez ran away screaming. "GET IT AWAY FROM ME! IT WANTS TO EAT MY BRAIN!"

"How can it eat something that doesn't exist?" Shipwreck laughed. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Rameriez shooed Polly off his head and ran out the door. 

"Man is he wasted," Shipwreck shook his head. 

"Well it's not the shots I was looking for but it will have to do," Tom sighed as he filmed Rameriez freaking out. 

"Wow you know for a civilian he's pretty fast climbing up that flagpole," Shipwreck remarked. 

"How do we get him down from there?" Alpine walked up. 

"Do we still have that cherry picker?" Shipwreck asked. 

"I don't think we're going to need it," Alpine pointed as Polly flew up to Rameriez. 

"AAAA! IT'S GOING TO EAT MY BRAIN!" 

Whump! Rameriez hit the ground. "Ouch!" Shipwreck winced. "That's gotta hurt!" 

"Hector are you okay?" Tom asked while still filming. "Are you hurt?"

"OF COURSE I'M HURT YOU MORON! I'M IN AGONY! BUT I HAVE TO WARN EVERYONE!" Rameriez screamed. "BEWARE OF THE PENGUIN ARMY! THEY'RE PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" 

"Security…" Shipwreck waved to a couple of MPs. "Could you escort this gentleman to the nearest medical ward?" 

"NO! NO! I HAVE TO WARN THE WORLD ABOUT THE ATTACK OF THE KILLER PENGUINS! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! IT'S A CONSPIRACY!" Rameriez screamed. 

"Okay Hector it's back to rehab for you," Tom sighed as Rameriez was dragged away. 

"That was fun," Alpine grinned. 

"I enjoyed it," Shipwreck snickered. 

A few weeks later the Joes were watching television when they turned on a particular show. "Hey it's that Twenty Questions show!" Shipwreck said. "And look at this!" The screen was filled with images of Rameriez running amok. 

"They're actually airing it?" Lady Jaye asked.

"Yeah it turns out that the fans of the show love to see this guy being made a fool out of as much as we do," Shipwreck grinned.

"That was really cruel what you did to him Shipwreck," Duke said. "I almost feel sorry for him. Almost." 

"For a video tape copy of this program," The announcer toned. "Dial 555-YAKYAK." 

"Hey guys…" Shipwreck started to say. 

"I'm on it," Alpine went to the phone and took out his credit card. "Is fifty copies gonna be enough?"

"Better make it a hundred," Shipwreck grinned. "They'll make great Christmas gifts!" 


End file.
